When I first defined my body as ‘too ugly,’ I was about ten and I am now eighteen. I would like to share with you how I redefined this statement about myself. Instead of something ugly and unsightly, ‘too ugly’ has led to a new and beautiful way of thinking.

I aim to share a little of how my eating disorder manifested, how it affected my life for eight years and what you as a reader can learn from a small part of my experience. I urge you to think about your own interaction with your growing body, mind, faith and ask that you take your own triggers into account before you continue reading. This article in no way sets out to glorify or praise my past vices but to shed light on what can be done with and through them. I invite you to join me as I present a picture of Bulimia through the lens of my personal experience.

Perhaps, like myself, you have concluded that those narratives do not need to be removed but merely rewritten. As I watched my young and healthy ten-year-old body change in the reflection of my family’s bathroom mirror, I began to define it as, ‘too ugly.’ First, my stomach, then my arms, then my face and lastly, my legs. I have often looked back at this moment throughout my recovery and wondered why it felt so natural to describe my body in that way? Why had I picked those words and seen everything through that negative lens?

If only I could go back and erase those words which spawned a narrative that began to wreak havoc for the next eight years… I am positive that the reader also has narratives much like my own that they too wish to be wiped from their life. Perhaps, like myself, you have concluded that those narratives do not need to be removed but merely rewritten.

To be clear, I am not saying I had to develop an eating disorder to reach the point that I am at today. I am more than certain that God would have brought me to this place of understanding without developing Bulimia. It was my own choice, I exercised my freewill in developing Bulimia, but I am certain that God can use every aspect of my life if I surrender it to him—even the very worst of my decisions.

Now, astonishingly, He has enabled me to see that the stomach I so easily labelled as ‘too ugly’ has been the very stomach shaking from uncontrollable laughter with wonderful friends. Those ‘too ugly’ arms hold her dear brothers close. The face I once called ‘too ugly’ is the same face that causes my little sister to smile. Lastly, those ‘too ugly’ legs are the same legs that have carried me to serve God’s precious people through volunteer work in Romania, where I am living right now (writing for ALIVE and FREE).

Since being in recovery for the last few years, I often wonder how I reached this point in my life. It feels so foreign and different to be able to easily eat a whole meal and not plan to purge. I now see that there was Someone gently showing me a completely different perspective—a much better way of thinking.

That is not to say that I no longer struggle—this journey is not linear. But rather, I can surely see that 2 Corinthians 12:9 is true: ‘His power is made perfect in my weakness.’

You are not static but rather being carefully held by Him. I urge the reader to consider how far they may have come. Give yourself time to reflect on the path you have walked. You may feel that you are stagnant, forever gazing as others pass you by. Nevertheless, I implore you to look up and gaze at the face of the One carrying you through it all. You are not static but rather being carefully held by Him.

Every experience of mine can be used in the wonderful story of grace that He is trying to write with my life. I ask that you too would join me in asking for eyes to see all that is good—even if that good is only His face. Is He not the truest form of good?

I was never meant to be defined by my own perceptions, but rather His.